I wanted to be an engineer since I was 7 years.
I remember, just like it was yesterday, saving a pamphlet from a new development around my neighborhood, that had the layout of the apartments, and trying to sketch it once I got home.
My dad owned a construction company and I grew up surrounded by concrete and mortar. Visiting constructions sites with him was part of the normal. For many years, I also spent most of my afternoons after school at my mom’s work. She worked for a Brazilian Federal Agency in a department with the Engineering Team, and I loved to ask them questions about their drawings and they would help me with my math homework.
I was also not the “typical” girl at the time. I hated playing with dolls, house, or just did not know how to do it. My thing was playing with balls, blocks and just being active. Looking back, I was the typical town boy. And just knew that I will be building stuff when I grew up.
My parents never doubt it or questioned my desire to be an engineer. In the contrary, they did everything that could to support my education. I heard from a few family members that Engineering school was not for girls, that I should try Architecture instead but I never paid too much attention.
I got into Engineering school at 17. And what a shock!
I grew up in a very strict catholic school and college was far from that. Our freshman class had 110 boys and only 10 girls. I would not even go to the bathroom during class because I would hear something about my looks or body. I never thought too much about it and just thought that it was the normal in that kind of environment.
During college I did internships in Engineering companies in my hometown and it became the norm to be hit on by coworkers and bosses, but again, never thought too much about it and just pretended that it never happened.
At 22 I was invited to come to the US for graduate school. I left my family, friends and come to this country with only two suitcases and $2000 to survive for the near future. New country, new language and graduate school were hard. But I finished it and it is to this day one of my biggest accomplishments.
After graduate school, I worked in a couple places until I landed in one of the biggest companies in my area. I was so happy that someone wanted to give me an opportunity, that I did not negotiated salary, vacation, nothing (don’t do this ladies). I just wanted to work! And that what I did. I worked my butt off. 60-80hrs some weeks. No Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years. And I grew pretty fast in the company. In 5 years I went from temporary to a Coordinator Position.
But unfortunately, with my rising in the company, came the harassment. And it just grew bigger and bigger. From hearing blond jokes in a daily basis, to how they wish their wife dressed like me. To stares to my breast and butt. To one of my bosses asking if my kids would be a distraction to my job, to open a picture of me in his computer and talking to another employee how I looked way better in the picture than in person, to name a few.
I tried to pretend it never happened, like I used to do when I was younger. Or say to myself that this is just part of the environment. But it just did not work. I started having “heart problems”. Collapsed one day that work and was taken to the ER in an ambulance. Started having panic attacks before work. It was a very, very tough two years. Until a day I broke down at my doctor’s office and she asked me to go see a therapist. She later told me I was on a verge of a mental breakdown.
By the time I started seeing my therapist the harassments just got worst, to the point someone put his hand under my skirt. I felt so guilty, shamed, because I just wanted to keeping doing my job, and shovel all of that down, but I just could not. Can you imagine coming home and telling my husband someone “rubbed” my legs? Yes! Not an easy conversation. But what changed?
In the meantime, I started to do more outreach for girls in STEM and sign up for this all girl’s triathlon team! I surrounded myself with very strong women and realized that I changed! And it was eating me alive to keep smiling, “pretending” nothing happened, when I knew in my core that everything about that environment was wrong. I also now had two little girls that mean the world to me and I would never let anyone doing anything like this to them, why I was letting them do to me?
My therapist gave me an “ultimatum” to look for another job somewhere else, with the risk of hurting my health even more if I stayed in that environment. I kicked, I screamed and I cried because I worked my butt off for that company, I made good money. Why I needed to leave since I did not do anything wrong?
But ultimately, I left. And it was one of the best decisions I made. I wish I could tell that the damage was done once I left the job, but unfortunately not. I still have PTSD and the “little” things that can be triggers. But I am working on it!
I found a job that I feel I can have a big impact on the new generations of Engineers. I am very involved in outreach programs for girls in the STEM field and I am part of the most badass team of ladies!
Through this tough time, it was crucial to have the support of this amazing group of women. That inspire me to be better every day and also listen and check on me often. I know it is not easy to be a girl, and I am very, very aware of the challenges we face. But damn, you guys made me proud to be a girl again.
“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light” ― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection