Why do I race? I thought it would be easy for me to come up with this answer but surprisingly it has been pretty difficult for me to figure it out. After getting a divorce, I began dating a guy who was a marathon runner, ultra runner and bike racer. Watching him train and race was admirable. I would see him come through a finish line exhausted but so thrilled he had completed it. At first I thought he was kind of crazy yet his drive and discipline was contagious. I started running mainly because I really liked him and wanted to be able to do anything possible to spend time with him. The first time he took me on a run I could barely make it ten minutes and I was embarrassed. Slowly, I was able to go longer and faster by enjoying running with him and on my own. I noticed when I was running I felt like dancing to the music I was listening to and felt a release of tension like I had not felt as an adult. I started to love it and eventually ran ½ marathons, full marathons and completed a ½ Ironman.
However, I could not be doing all of this training just to get a guy? No way would someone go through all that sweat and hard work just for another person! Now this guy is my husband so ultimately I did impress him, I guess, but he isn’t who keeps me motivated. In fact this is who is the driving force behind my racing…
This is me at 10 years old. I was a competitive ice skater my entire childhood. In this picture I look so happy and proud. I had won second place in a big competition and was wearing my favorite competition dress. My mom had stitched each bead by hand and I felt so special. I loved ice skating and really thought at that age I would be in the Olympics. I practiced two times a day, waking up at 4:00 am, going to school and then skating again after school. Every time I stepped on the ice I craved the wind in my face as I raced around the ice executing jumps and spins. I fell a lot and was always very bruised but I didn’t care. I was on a mission to go harder each practice, hopefully landing a new jump or perfecting my competition program. I sometimes struggled and did not feel like practicing but once I laced up my skates, heard the music playing and heard the swishing of my blades on the ice I was in the mode to improve and most importantly enjoy the moment. The rink was where I felt the most like myself.
Racing as an adult brings back those feelings I had as a young girl. Today, I am a psychotherapist and I work with my clients all the time to love and honor their inner child. Our inner child is where our raw emotions and true core live before life takes over and trains us to hold our feelings at bay to protect ourselves from being rejected, hurt, misunderstood, vulnerable and a host of other painful experiences. When I race my inner child is alive again. I will sometimes run and start dancing if my favorite songs come on through my headphones just like I did as an ice skater. When I swim I feel like I am working on perfecting my technique to swim the best I can just like I did with spins, choreography and jumps. When I bike I get to feel the wind in face and feel the speed of the bike just like I felt when I was speeding around the rink. It is all reminiscent of a time in my life when I was free. My inner child is happy, focused, hopeful and excited about the adventure ahead.
I am not sure why it took me awhile to figure out why running, biking and swimming cliqued with me. I guess the rush of competition just felt natural. After a lot of contemplation it all cliqued. It’s because I get to cherish that part of me that had been stifled before I started racing...the young girl inside me.